I have a story for you. It involves a man named Arthur. Arthur has just gone to a trendy, Miami-area nightclub with the goal of looking for companionship. Not the deep, platonic kind of companionship involving long philosophical discussions and sherry, mind you rather, the kind comparatively short, intense bouts of companionship that only erotic love with a stranger can provide. Arthur is dressed to the nines, complete with seersucker suit, fedora, and spats. Arthur is not an unattractive man, nor is he a modern Adonis. He knows his way around a nightclub, and can dance reasonably well. From his corner, he spies an attractive woman. He looks at her long and hard to make sure shes sure of his intentions. He looks her up and down, saunters over, and spouts his best line: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Arthur later died cold and alone.

You probably know some of what Arthur did wrong: pretty much everything. How does one attract members of the opposite sex? For women, it really isnt too difficult. Since men often go to bars with the expressed purpose of finding someone to sleep with, its simply a matter of picking one out. For men, who are clueless more often then not, things can be more difficult. Here are some tips:

- Intent is important. It is probably best not to go to clubs with picking someone up as your only goal. Go to have a good time with friends, have a few drinks, and maybe try your luck with the ladies.

- Dress smartly, but dont be too ostentatious. This can be a difficult line to walk, as you naturally want your plumage to help separate you from the flock, but you also dont want to appear sleazy (lots of jewelry/expensive watches), overdressed (tuxedo), or anachronistic (pantaloons) - unless, of course, the occasion specifically calls for it.

- Mingle in the crowd. The image of a predator stalking prey is not one that women often prefer. Dance, mingle, and dont just stand in the corner alone or with a small group of friends.

- Make eye contact with a woman before approaching her. Gauge the way she looks at you if she seems interested, approach her at a natural point (after she gives you more than one glance, but not so long that the goo goo eyes game gets old.) Do not undress her with your eyes. It wont help.

- Strike up a real conversation, dont use lines. Maybe open with a joke, but only if it is funny, and only if it doesnt involve you doing things to her. Women know why men come to clubs, and you should do your best to not conform to their preconceived notions. Act naturally, friendly, and gregarious, but not so much that they suspect that you keep your victims corpses in oil drums in your garage.

- Use common sense as a guide. If you are confused, step back and ask yourself, Would I enjoy an oafish wacko leering at me? Even a well-dressed oafish wacko? Just think for a minute you havent had that much to drink.

Well, hopefully these tips lend you some success in the fast paced world of Miamis nightlife scene. Dont be too hard on yourself if you strike out the woman of your dreams has to be in some bar.